Courtship, Part 4: The Part Where We Email Each Other

A note to the reader:

As this story continues, I will be including some of the more pivotal messages & emails that were sent between the active parties in this story. While there may be a few redacted sections where it is necessary for the sake of others’ privacy, the content will otherwise be as un-edited as possible—which does mean that my cringeworthy spelling errors will be included verbatim.

Improper English is far from being the only cringeworthy element, however. Back when these events occurred, I (and Dylan as well) held political, social, and theological viewpoints which both of us have now come to view as not only embarrassing, but flat-out wrong. Please understand that such unflattering content is posted here not as an endorsement of it, or to excuse it, but in an attempt to be bluntly forthright about the events as they happened, and to provide proper context for the reactions that followed.

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As I’d become more frustrated by the lack of progress that Dad and Dylan seemed to be making, I tried to find a way to address my concerns within the system of courtship. I read courtship success stories and courtship how-to books, but it seemed that the role given to the women, without exception, was entirely passive. Wait. Hope. Pray. Wait some more, but don’t focus on the fact that you’re waiting. Try not to hope too much, focus on God instead, and then maybe He’ll provide a husband. And through it all, submit to your God-given authorities.

I tried to share my concerns with my mom about how little communication was happening between my dad and Dylan, but in response, she pointed out that many other dads took weeks or months to pray or discuss things with the suitor before even letting their daughters know what was happening. Just because I was aware of things going on didn’t mean that I should expect an abbreviated timeline. If anything, my impatience was proof that daughters shouldn’t normally be aware of the process so soon, that they should be blissfully unaware that any inquiry was occurring.

To me, however, it felt like my dad had simply forgotten that Dylan existed for months at a time. To chalk this up to him considering or praying about the matter felt like an inaccurate reframing of the situation. A year had passed now, and while I felt closer to Dylan than ever, it seemed that no other progress had been made.

It was at this point that our mutual taboo on speaking of the subject of courtship, and of our relationship in general, started to crumble.

On November 15th, Dylan sent me an email to preview. It was a draft of an email he was planning to write to my dad, but he wanted my opinion prior to sending it. He let me know that he’d avoid sending it to my dad entirely if I had any objection at all. The email (which, to be clear, is addressed to my dad but was sent to me) read as follows:

Mr. Graveling,

I wasn't aware you weren't willing to discuss any of this via email, or else I wouldn't have brought arguments or thoughts to your inbox. If you only wish to discuss this on the phone, that is acceptable, though I find written discussion much easier than those conducted by phone. This is partially due to the fact that I have a difficult time hearing what you're saying, as the volume and quality of our connection has always been sub-par. Also, I have never done well with written scripts or agendas when talking to someone, especially in a private conversation, as I feel it is not conducive to honest, candid conversation. I nevertheless find writing my thoughts and reading others' thoughts to be the most comprehensive method of conveying particular thoughts.

That being said, I do have some thoughts which came to me last night that I wish to share with you here.

I have hitherto been more than willing to accept all the reading assignments you have given me, and I have been truly appreciative of the books you have actually sent, but as the past year has rolled on, I have begun to lose my understanding of the situation. I don't understand your method or goal in any of this. From catechisms to articles to books, you send along an impressive reading list, but I don't know... you. I would like to know you. I don't believe you are relegated to the opinions of the men whose writings you send, nor merely the talking points of theologies and schools of thought. No catechism or historical "confession" can replace a heartfelt expression in your own words.

I don't know how much of this you know or realize, but I am moved to lay this all out in one place.

Hannah and I have been in almost constant communication through Facebook or blogs for well over a year. In that time, I have spoken honestly and openly, all within the bonds of propriety, on every subject that is important to me, and she has responded in kind. In the trivial things and in the momentous, we have come to understandings. Candidly. Without pretense.

I can only speak for myself on this, of course, as I cannot know her heart for sure. Indeed, no one can know the heart but God, though I have never been given reason to question her candid honesty or openness. Her conversation is God-honoring and inspiring. All I know of her is what she writes, and I cannot help but admire her mind in what she has to say. I can't say I even really know what she looks like, or any other thing but what she tells me. My only other source of input as to her disposition is you. You are her family, her protector, and one of the closest people in her life. If I want to know where she comes from, her background, her history, her... anything, it can only be confirmed through you.

There has been an issue throughout the course of our friendship, Hannah's and mine - a friendship indeed, distance and impersonal methods of communication notwithstanding - and that is that you and I come from different perspectives. That has not been much of an issue with Hannah, but with you. That needs to be resolved.

To you, I am a very young man. To myself... well, I'm a very young man. I realize I haven't rolled very far down the road down since falling off the turnip truck, so to speak. But I am not without education or common sense, and thanks be to God that I have His Spirit within me. I have a lifetime ahead of me, and I am inclined to believe my education will not end until I am in His Kingdom... and even beyond. But, I can only presently deal with what I presently have been given.

What is at issue is that I am not of the Reformed faith. This bothers you, and I can understand that. But in my attempt to explain myself to you, I feel as though I am not being understood, so I would like to take a pause and explain in detail. You have told me of your family history as Dutch Reformers, and that is a much lovelier lineage than mine. I thank God that He does not dole out salvation to Gentiles in bloodlines, or else I would be condemned to Catholicism.

I'm Irish, sir. My family history is as "green" as the summer fields of Erin. Would that the O'Callaghans were "orange," but they have been Catholic since records were kept. My father was the first Callahan to leave the Catholic religion. He was raised by proper Catholics - which is to say he was raised improperly. His foundation was one of idolatry and obeisance to a bastardized form of religion loosely based on faith in Christ, but more accurately said to be based in faith one's ability to adhere to tradition. Glory to God, he left it all behind and followed Christ in his early twenties. Having no solid base to reflect on in order to raise us, he did the best he could with what he had to raise a Godly family. There were and are obstacles, but God is good, and Dad produced at least one son whose life is lived for God. One does not choose their parents, and I recognize the mistakes made, but even faults are all to His glory.

Now, having the Catholic church as an object of derision throughout my entire life, I know well the arguments against it. I know salvation is not through myself, nor my works, but through Christ's shed blood. I didn't go to Him, He came to me. I am my own obstacle in life, and it is only through the lessening of myself and the increasing of Him that I can succeed in anything. I do not own my life, and therefore I don't even owe it to Him... He simply has it. My flesh tries to claim it, and that is my struggle, but by His grace go I.

Is this opposed to Calvinism? Is this opposed to the "doctrines of Grace?" I don't believe it is. I believe the question lies only in an academic debate of semantics that is wholly pointless and destructive to the ends of unity in Christ. I should know, as I have been in the debate for years. I was an active participant, and I have been persuaded of both sides. My final conclusion is that I would live my life, love my Lord, and conduct myself in precisely the same way whether I agreed with Calvin or not, because my faith is based on my personal relationship with my Savior.

To me, that whole debate is moot, and it is not a part of my life. It may be part of yours, it may even be the defining issue of your life and your ancestors' lives before you, but it is not mine. Which brings me to my point. If that debate of semantics must be on the forefront of my soul in order to be accepted into your family, I sadly cannot meet that requirement. If I will be required to have your enthusiasm for it, I will fail your expectation. I do not even believe we disagree on a fundamental level, only that it is a debate worth having. I don't believe it is.

I expected, in the course of my reading assignments, to be shown that my position cannot legitimately be held in light of Scripture. I was not persuaded. I was not persuaded that my life would be different. I was not persuaded that my core beliefs would change, or that my faith would be either increased or decreased, or that I was depending on myself for salvation. I was persuaded of none of those things. I was only persuaded that entire lifetimes have been spent promoting semantic arguments for or against an over-complicated doctrine. God saved this wretched sinner - He didn't have to, but He saved me. What more is there to be said? What grand truth am I missing, and how will my life change when I understand it?

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I will be candid: I have kept myself from saying these things in the past because you have the kill-switch. You, with a word, could stop my friendship with Hannah in its tracks, and whatever the outcome of our friendship, I didn't want it to end. I don't want it to end. If things stayed the way they are until I died of old age, I would prefer that to severing our fellowship now. I send you this now because I am confused as to the direction you are taking. I just don't know what you are after, or what you want, and I wanted you to know where I am in all of this.

~Dylan

I don’t recall what my initial thoughts were while reading this. My response to Dylan at the time was to simply say that I didn’t know if he should send it or not. Since I was feeling hesitant about the possibility, he let me know that he’d shelve it for the time being. After letting him know that I’d think it over, the conversation moved on to other matters.

The topic being broached, however, led to me realizing anew just how absurd the compartmentalization of information and communication was starting to feel. We were both adults. Leaving Dylan completely in the dark about my relationship struggles with my dad, about my dad’s questionable life choices, and about my own feelings toward Dylan was starting to make me feel overly secretive rather than moral and pure.

I knew that if Dylan were to send that email to my dad, there was a chance that it would be viewed in the worst light possible by my parents, and that the kill switch would indeed be pulled. I didn’t want that. But if he couldn’t talk to my parents in a frank manner about what was expected—and if I couldn’t even broach the topic of courtship with him—then how was this supposed to proceed? Logically, it didn’t make sense.

At the same time, even considering that the courtship process could be flawed made me feel immense guilt. All my life I’d been told that it was a woman’s job to submit to the authority of either her husband or her father. To even consider taking an active role in my own life, to be at all visibly discontent with my dad’s actions, felt like rebellion.

A few days later, however (after much second-guessing and self-censorship) I composed my own overly-verbose response and emailed it to Dylan on the 17th. I did my best to provide some context for the dynamic between myself and my dad, while doing my best to avoid saying anything overtly negative or critical about my dad.

Okay... here are some thoughts and such regarding the proposed email you sent earlier.

First, however, I want to qualify what I write with two statements.

1) I’ve hesitated to share some of this in the past because I simply didn’t (don’t) know exactly what is appropriate and what is not. The postion which I find myself in is somewhat awkward and quite unique, especially considering the fact that we’ve never met in person. I am unsure as to what the correct course of action or non-action is, and I don’t feel like I have a grasp as to what my responsibilities are, or if I really even have any. Because of this, I’ve generally ended up remaining quiet when I am unsure of whether or not I ought to say or do something. So... I hope I’m not erring or meddling to share this. I don’t know the correct course of action, but I feel it would be bordering on dishonesty not to say at least some of this.

2) Since I’ve not been privvy to all of what you and Dad have communicated, some of this may be irrelevant, uneccessary, or entirely mistaken. I’m kind of.. shooting in the dark here. You’ll have to use your judgment to figure out which parts, if any, contain relevant information and which parts don’t.

Okay, all that being said, I’ll proceed to the main points of what I was going to say...

Dad and I have a hard time communicating at times. That isn’t to say that we have a bad relationship, or anything like that. However, our when we talk, we seem to be on different wavelengths. With Mom, I can share something and know that she will normally understand, empathize, and really listen. Unfortunately, Dad and I seem to end up frustrated when we talk. I don’t speak well off the cuff, and he can give a sermon off the cuff. (Literally.) This results in my starting to try to tell him something, him misunderstanding, and me getting a fifteen minute lecture which doesn’t seem to be at all related to what I was trying to tell him in the first place. He tends to need to repeat facts or he forgets them, whereas I get frustrated with endless repitition and feel that we aren’t covering any new ground.

Another factor in this... is Dad’s extreme busyness. He tends toward perfectionism (as do I) and often overdoes things. When he speaks, he caveats and explains himself to such an extent that it can be difficult of figure out what he is actually trying to say. As I mentioned before, he could give a sermon on a moment’s notice if needed, yet no matter how early he starts preparing to preach, he inevitably stays up late on Saturday night trying to finish. I’ve mentioned that he and various men from church met to discuss the issue of salvation, but what I didn’t mention was that he probably spent, roughly, from 30-70 hours preparing for that. He also has a hard time saying no to demands on his time. So... his to-do list is huge, and grows and grows all the time, rather than shrinking.

So... obviously, this makes it even harder to talk to him. He has made spending time with family a priority, and for this I am extremely grateful, but finding time to speak with just him, or just him and Mom sometimes seems to be nearly impossible. (FYI, none of my siblings know about your talking with Dad, except for Stephen, who was recently told a little bit. I’m honestly not even sure how much Mom told him.) I don’t wish to make it sound like this is his fault - the blame rests on my shoulders as well, and some of this is not anyone’s “fault”, but just the result of two people having different personalities - but I do wish to let you know, somewhat, the situation.

As I mentioned before, I hesitate to share all of this, not knowing what is appropriate and what is not, but in debating about it with myself I realized that you would be able to observe much of it yourself if we had the luxary of being face-to-face. Writing it down makes it far more awkward and rather stiff and formal, but at the moment I don’t have another option.

Finally... and I guess this is the part which pertains the most to your email... he gets stuck in ruts when he is tired and overwhelmed (which is most of the time, lately. :/ ) He defaults to what seems to be most obvious and natural to him, even if it isn’t always logical. I tend to think that this is why he has used catechisms and creeds and such so extensively with you - those are the things he grew up with, and using them is the easiest course of action for him. \

When he gets in a rut... He also tends to jump to conclusions which aren’t always correct. If *this* has always equaled *that* in the past, then he will quickly assume that it always will, and convincing him that it doesn’t takes herculean effort.

So... my fear at this point is that if he were to read your email, he would not read it the way you wrote it. That he would come away with the vague impression that you had said, “I am arminian, I don’t see why the issue matters, and discussion probably isn’t going to make me agree with you.” Now, I know that isn’t what you said at all, and of course, he wouldn’t think that in so many words, but I fear that that is what he would sub-consciously read into it and respond to.

I think it is safe to say that in his mind, you are either Arminian or Reformed. If you are protestant, there is no other option, in his mind. You state that you aren’t Refomed... he will read that you are arminian. In fact, I already know that this is what he has assumed in the past, and still might think. To be completely honest, I myself am rather confused on exactly where you stand on this issue. You haven’t said a lot on the issue, but what you have said agrees with “Calvinism”. I’m not sure if you say you aren’t a “Calvinist” simply because you don’t agree with the name and they way some follow Calvin more ardently than the Bible, or if you disagree with the basic doctines themselves, or if you are undecided as to which position you agree with. I don’t think Dad would consider it neccessary for you to be as passionate about the matter as he is, but I do know that he wants to know that you have a basic agreement on the matter.

This is getting to be overly lengthy and verbose, so I’ll wind it up, but... I do want to let you know one more thing.

During most of the last year, Dad’s view of you seems to have been very... one sided. The issue which was being discussed was soteriology, and it seems that that was the only issue he thought of in regards to what you believe. I didn’t realize this until the other week, when he finished the phone call with you and mentioned that he was glad to learn that you were against public school, keynesian economics, etc. Apparently he hadn’t picked up on those facts before, or had forgotten. I... thought that they were beyond obvious, and found myself rather shocked at the fact that he seemed to consider it new information. I mean, I knew those things years ago, possibly before I even knew what your real name was.

Dad seemed surprised to find that I *did* know these things, and I had to try to explain to him the way that I communicate - that, unlike him, I switch gears easily between serious and trivial matters, and that I can peice together a fairly accurate picture from a collection of varied statements made over a large amount of time. This isn’t how Dad converses - he does not switch modes between sober and silly with ease, and when he discusses something, he ends up basically writing a book. He doesn’t have conversations like most people do, and trying to explain to him the nature of how you and I converse is difficult. He doesn’t “get” how people can only talk about a serious matter for a sentence or paragraph or two and then move on, and I had to convince him that just because these things had come up in our conversations didn’t mean that either of us had been writing treatises or having heavy debates.

And I guess, with that, I’ve basically come full circle. In conclusion... I don’t think that I should be the one to decide whether or not you email Dad, but I do think it is only fair to give you an idea of some of the factors which have impacted you in the past, and could affect the way that such an email would be received. I don’t know all of what he is thinking, but after he last talked with you he seemed to think that it would be good, for the present moment, to discuss more diverse issues and let soteriology be put on the back burner for a while, so to speak, until he at least got to know you better.

ANYWAY. Now that I’ve rambled and written an entire book... I guess I’m going to see if I can find something to eat which my stomach won’t rebel over.

-Hannah

After sending the email, I continued to feel extremely conflicted over whether or not I should have said anything at all. I wondered if I’d made a mistake or crossed a line, but consoled myself with the thought that most of this would be brutally obvious if we weren’t states apart. There were many context clues that were visible to people who knew and interacted with our family in-person, and sharing them more explicitly with Dylan couldn’t be faulted—or so I hoped.

Dylan and Dad’s then-weekly phone call happened to be scheduled for the same day I sent the email. After the call concluded, Dylan sent the following message to me via Facebook:

Your email was almost prophetic... he didn't understand a word I said... even when I was allowed to talk... and I don't think I got to finish a single point without being pulled down a rabbit trail.

If this is the man on whom my future rides, I need to communicate with him clearly... how do I do this, Hannah?

That call both angered and scared me.

We speak different languages, but from what I could gather, we don't disagree... we don't even have a different perspective, he just doesn't understand what I'm saying.

I would ask him a question, and he would halfway answer it and basically change the subject for five-minutes.

I don't know how to deal with that.

We had a final conversation about the matter the next day:

Dylan:

I don't see a Biblical precedent or principle that says either of us should be in the dark about anything pertinent to our future or the conditions of that future - within common sense propriety, that is. I mean, we should use our heads, but this isn't a game with arbitrary rules or anything.

If you know a Biblical or common sense reason why you shouldn't know what your dad and I discussed, please do let me know. I don't want to be saying anything I shouldn't. I think I'm in the same place you are inasmuch as I don't really know what is or isn't "allowed," but after more than a year of... I don't know what... I think it is time for upfront communication. It may be no fault of his, or it may even be my fault that he and I have not, in a solid year's time, come to any understanding at all.

I realize that there are personalities involved that may unintentionally present hiccups or miscommunication, and that I'm not necessarily being given the run-around... things just happen the way they happen.

God isn't wringing His hands at any of this, so that much may be a comforting thought...

But, in deference and respect to you, I want to know if you would find it objectionable for me to discuss my conversations with your dad.

Is that okay with you?

Hannah:

I'm honestly not sure what to say, Dylan.

On the one hand... I don't want to have miscommunication or less-than candid conversations with you, and I don't want either of us to be in the dark, but...

I also do want to respect my Dad's wishes, even if I don't understand them. I'm not certain that he would be comfortable with us doing that, and I don't wish to feel like I'm going behind his back... I struggled with that feeling already when writing you that email, and like I said, felt that you would be able to observe or surmise much of it if we lived nearby and were able to interact in person.

So... I'm not sure.

Dylan:

Understood, I... know what you mean.

Hannah:

FYI... I mentioned to Mom that you felt that you and Dad weren't communicating well... I've complained of the same thing myself, and she's observed it with other family members too... She said she would try to talk to Dad about it when she got a chance.

He didn't used to be this way. I'm not sure if he feels like he has not outlet without a pulpit and therefore kinda... 'Splodes his opinion to anyone available to listen, or if he's just too overwhelmed to hear what others are saying... :/

*no

Dylan:

Honestly, I wondered about that.

I don't know your dad, but I think I can understand that being the case.

And not at all to his shame, it's just an unfortunate fact.

Hannah:

Yeah... He's changed, but I don't think he knows it.

Dylan:

Really, it's understandable.

Hannah:

Actually, I know he doesn't know it. But…

Dylan:

Mm-hm.

I'll say this: don't walk on eggshells on my account. You don't have to. If you feel it decent and prudent to do so for him, you are probably right to.

You understand the situation better than I.

Hannah:

Heh... I'm not certain I understand the situation much at all, but...

I don't wish to be over-righteous, but I guess I'm not entirely comfortable with the idea yet, so...

:P

Dylan:

With discussing it, you mean...?

Hannah:

Right.

Dylan:

Okay.

Yeah, sure... I understand.

That's fine. :)

We dropped the matter entirely after this. Although that was the last Dylan and I spoke of the matter, I continued to talk with my parents about Dylan with increasing frequency. I didn’t mention the emails or messages that had been exchanged between Dylan and I, but did continue to express, with far more forthrightness, the increasing frustration that I was feeling over the lack of any progress.

Shortly after these emails were exchanged, though, Dylan asked Dad if it would be possible for him to meet with my Dad in person. To his (and my) surprise, he was invited to come and meet the entire family. The invitation was extended sometime in mid-December, with the suggestion that he come stay with us for a week or so over the end of the year. Plans were quite rapidly set in motion, Dylan was able to get the time off of work needed to make the visit happen, and suddenly, it felt like we were making actual progress.

Neither of us had any clue of just how quickly the situation was going to change.