Courtship, Part 2: Telling the Parents
“Daughters aren’t to be independent. They’re not to act outside the scope of their father." - Doug Phillips
When I was seven, one of my friends wrote me a letter asking if we could also be pen-pals. Because this friend was a boy, my dad intercepted the letter and opened it before I ever saw it, before I even knew it existed.
He then had a sit-down meeting with myself and my mom to make sure I didn’t get the wrong impressions about this letter. I remember sitting at the table in our “schoolroom” while he loomed above me on the other side. He began the conversation with a stern lecture to make sure I didn’t misconstrue what being pen-pals meant, despite the fact that I was already pen-pals with other girls: “This does not mean you will get married someday, and this does not mean you are in a courtship”.
He then handed me the already-opened envelope and let me know that he would continue to monitor our letters as he saw fit. I don’t know what he expected an eight year-old kid to write that would require such a heavy-handed reaction, but unsurprisingly, I was left with the impression that being pen-pals with a boy was a far more serious thing than it actually was.
More than a decade later, as I sat at that same table reading and re-reading the message Dylan had sent, I was internally spiraling. How on earth I was supposed to communicate this turn of events to my parents? I didn’t think I’d done anything wrong, but if a pen-pal at age seven had been given such an over-the-top reception, it hardly seemed likely that Facebook messages sent at age eighteen would be viewed as innocuous.
I tried to anticipate their reactions, to prepare myself for the various potential directions that the conversation could take. This situation wasn’t spelled out in the courtship books, hadn’t come up in the courtship stories I could think of, hadn’t been addressed in church conversations and discussions and admonitions.
What’s Dad going to say?
Have I sinned?
How do I even begin to tell them?
Why am I even having to go through this? He’s supposed to go to Dad first!
Am I going to be in trouble?
Did I unwittingly flirt?
Telling my mom seemed like the easiest way to start. I let her know that I needed to talk, in private, when possible. Hours passed, giving me time to both reassure myself that the messages exchanged weren’t sinful, but also to feel more concerned than ever about how I was going to approach my dad.
Finally, I was able to sit down and tell my mom what had happened. The messages sent. Our conversations. The latest message.
While she didn’t seem to approve of the course of events, she wasn’t angry or disappointed in me, either. And she was willing to help me give context and background to Dad– Dad, who didn’t have a Facebook account, who barely knew how blogs worked, who didn’t use chat or private message functions. Having Mom be willing to vouch for these elements and their normalcy provided me with some level of reassurance.
And then she asked me if I wanted to enter a courtship with Dylan.
I froze up a bit, and mumbled something about not not wanting to at least investigate the option. But that wasn’t a question I knew how to answer, nor was it one that felt safe to ask myself. If I did want to court him, did that mean I was already giving away my heart and my emotional purity? I wasn’t supposed to have an opinion or preference on this until after he’d been vetted and approved by Dad, right?
But once again, I had to wait further hours before talking to Dad. Dylan’s message had been sent on a Saturday evening, but it wasn’t until late on Sunday night, after church was over and then Bible study had ended and all the guests had left, that I had a chance to speak with both Dad and Mom in private.
In the meantime, Dylan’s message had gone unanswered and unacknowledged for over a day. He continued to reach out with additional messages, asking me to at least let know if I understood what he was saying, and eventually wondering if he’d misstepped in some way and had lost my friendship. I was seeing the messages as the notifications came through, but Mom had already warned me against replying without parental oversight.
The conversation with Dad felt like it lasted forever.
Much of it is now a blur in my mind, although I recall going over our messages, explaining how we met online, trying to help connect the dots on who our mutual friends were. I think my mom and I had to go into detail about how Facebook worked and what terms like “friends” and “likes” meant in the context of social media. I do know I told him that I thought that Dylan had erred in messaging me rather than Dad, while also pointing out that, in his defense, that Dylan had no easy or obvious method of contacting Dad personally.
At the end of the night, I finally got permission from my parents to write back to Dylan and let him know that I wasn’t intentionally ghosting him. With their feedback, I was allowed to send the following note:
Dylan -
This is just a quick note to assure you that I am not ignoring you. You've written from the heart and I really appreciate that. However, this really caught me off guard, and my parents and I feel that we need a little more time to think and pray about this before responding further.
- Hannah
Late the next day, my parents composed and sent their own message to Dylan. I was permitted to read it first and, since it was being sent through my Facebook account, to add a parenthetical introduction at the top.
(The following is from my Dad and Mom.)
___
Hello Dylan,
Greetings in Christ.
We want you to know that we surely appreciate and respect your honesty, seeking to learn parameters, attempting to handle a potential romantic relationship in a way that will guard both your and Hannah's emotions and above all, your striving to follow our Lord's leading.
Over the years God has led us to certain convictions from His word concerning courtship. So, we want to do things according to Scripture.
Thus, as Hannah's father and head, God wants me to act as the one God has appointed to guard and pursue her best interests. Hannah's mother is to be a helpmate in that, as we seek to protect and care for our daughter until God leads us to give her to a qualified Christian man who has demonstrated his ability and willingness to be like Christ in acting as her head and protector for the rest of her life. As such, we need to know well the person seeking this incredibly important position.
Hannah has shared with us that she has known you through blogging and facebook, but without her or our having met you, we don't really know you well. So we need to proceed slowly, following biblical principles.
As Hannah's father, I would like to have the opportunity to speak to you personally sometime either Friday or Saturday (whichever is best for you) to learn more about you and discuss further getting to know one another. In this way we can protect both you and Hannah from unintended hurts or misunderstandings.
We are and will continue to be in prayer about this matter as we trust is true also of you.
My email is [Redacted]. Let me know there which day works best and then let's talk further.
God richly bless you,
James and Lori Graveling
Over the next few days and weeks, I knew that Dad was communicating with Dylan–although I wasn’t given many details of their interactions. Enough info had been shared with me that I knew they’d talked on the phone at least once. Dad also mentioned that he had asked him to go through the Heidelberg catechism and note his thoughts on each question and answer, whether in agreement or disagreement. I don’t think I realized at the time that the actual list of what Dylan had been asked to read and give feedback on actually included The Heidelberg Catechism, The Canons of Dort, The Belgic Confession, The Westminster Confession, and The Westminster Larger Catechism.
What I definitely wasn’t aware of at that time was the lack of engagement on my dad’s side. After Dylan completed this assigned homework, my dad’s next several responses over the next few weeks were to simply apologize repeatedly for being too busy to actually engage with any of Dylan’s responses.
Not long after Dad’s initial conversation with Dylan, I had been told that I would be allowed to continue talking to Dylan on Facebook: but I was strongly warned against addressing anything about the potential of courtship or of our feelings or anything of that nature.
And so for a brief month or so, we did just that. We continued our previous conversations as if the events prior hadn’t happened, even though I was sure that he and Dad were having in-depth conversations of their own to address the possibility of courtship. Finally, after over a month of consideration (and very little actual conversation with Dylan), my dad reached his decision:
“I’m not saying you could never court, but you’re not ready.”
I remember trying not to have any emotion at all creep into my questions or my demeanor as I asked him why.
There were a variety of reasons cited. Some were practical: we hadn’t met in person; and although he had a good-paying, stable job, Dylan still lived with his parents. Some were doctrinal: Dylan wasn’t a Calvinist, he didn’t have a stable Biblical church family, his family didn’t have routine devotions together, he was too Baptist. And some were personal: I was too emotional, I was too immature, I needed to have a better relationship with my dad before I would be able to have a good relationship with a potential husband.
I was told that we could remain friends, however. Keep the conversations light, Dad commanded, and don’t talk about courtship or the possibility thereof amongst yourselves. Don’t do or say anything that would go beyond friendship, that could be misconstrued or that would be inappropriate. And maybe later, when we were both ready, the possibility of courtship could be reconsidered in the future.
I really wasn’t sure how I felt about all of this.
I certainly felt insulted at being told that I wasn’t ready, that I was too emotional. The passionate disagreements between Dad and that he had mentioned were over unrelated topics. They were over topics such as Dad’s foray into the world of being a sovereign citizen, him not paying his mortgage and thereby risking the loss of our house, and other rather controversial choices. In some cases, I didn’t even disagree with him–I was just scared and concerned. And many other of Dad’s friends, other pastors and elders, were telling him the same things I was and in much stronger terms: so why was my lack of agreement being called out as a lack of maturity?
There was also a bit of relief at not entering a formal courtship just yet. I fully agreed that meeting first in-person was important. Courtship seemed like a solemn and weighty process, and getting to know more about Dylan first didn’t sound like an altogether unreasonable concept.
There was hope, too. The answer was more of a “not yet” than a “no”, and for that I was relieved. I didn’t know what the future held, but I was glad that we were able to remain friends in the meantime, that this wasn’t the end.
It wasn't until later that day, when I found a moment of total privacy, that I finally, unexpectedly, broke down in sobs and realized that I was also sad and disappointed.