Courtship, Part 10: Getting Dad’s Blessing

“We are not asking for your permission – only your blessing” - Hodel, Fiddler on the Roof

In the days immediately following Dad’s actions, the conversations between Dylan and I gradually started to hint at both of our willingness to throw away our original timeline (where we had planned that we would get engaged in the summer, and married that fall) and we instead started teasing the idea of getting married in a matter of months.

On my end, my feeling of insecurity, my lack of safety was heavily playing into this choice. Dylan, meanwhile, was unaware of the full severity of the events that had happened in the previous hours, but he was still aware that something bad had happened, that I wasn’t okay with the family dynamic going on–and so he was also growing increasingly concerned himself.

We tossed around a handful of ideas, and Dylan let me know that, if I was willing to elope, he’d have no objection to the idea. But I felt that this would be a decision far too drastic. Jumping to that choice without sufficient provocation would result in undue family drama and hurt for my siblings. So we threw out this idea–for now.

(I didn’t learn until much later that over in Kansas, Dylan’s family was urging him to give me the ultimatum of “elope or else” to try and force my dad out of the picture. Frustrated at their own lack of involvement in any decision-making process, his parents were urging him to either tie the knot with me, or to cut all ties so that he wouldn’t have to deal with my dad anymore.)

But, while eloping appeared to me to be a choice too radical to make, speeding up the timeline didn’t. With Dad’s actions being increasingly unpredictable, waiting just didn’t feel like the smartest option anymore. We determined that getting married as soon as possible was the best course of action – and based on our highly-speculative guesswork of what reactions we’d get, July now sounded like the earliest we could swing such a feat without alienating my family. This meant that we needed to get engaged sooner rather than later.

We knew that since we officially only been courting for a month, there would be a chance we would be told that this was too soon. I considered what my friends and extended family might think, what conclusions they may draw, but ultimately those factors simply didn’t–couldn’t–matter. I might not be able to control their perception, but that wasn’t my fault, as it could have been avoided if I’d simply been allowed to mention Dylan to my friends at a much earlier date.

The downside of choosing to get engaged was that we knew my Dad’s blessing permission would be a required factor first. And with any such new development, there was a chance that something would go wrong, a chance that Dad would try to throw a kill switch.

No other course of action seemed viable, though. So Dylan emailed Dad, and we both waited through the next day with bated breath.

Just a day later, Dad replied. He had a list of requirements for Dylan to follow, and gave his conditional blessing if that list was agreed to:

ResponseToDylanCallahansRequestForPermissionToAskHannahJaneToMarryHim

May 6, 2014

Dear brother Dylan,

Well, what can I say?Such a momentous, awesome, life and eternity changing question! One we have known was to come, and here it is! :)

If it can be agreed in your response to this letter that: a) all things in your marriage relationship and family will follow the Lord Jesus Christ as revealed in the Scripture of His word and the covenant of marriage Scripture presents and describes; b) you with Hannah agree to pre-marital counseling with me (talking about Scripture's marriage covenant) so we may set the strongest foundation to your marriage and family as possible; c) you agree not to obtain a marriage license (which would make the children as the products of your desired union the property of the state); d) you promise to commit yourself and family to membership in a strong evangelical church and bring it to worship the Lord each Sunday as well as seek Him daily in family worship; e) you affirm your strong desires for Hannah to be your wife and that you will “bring happiness to” her (especially your first year together per Deut. 25:5; cf. Prov. 5:18; Eccl. 9:7-9; I Cor. 7:1-9) also in order to have as many children as the Lord will be pleased to give you; f) you affirm the children of believers are different to God (special to Him) than the children of unbelievers and thus must be treated differently in every way; g) you will willingly receive instruction or correction from us and your parents (but never where any parents lord it over you or the government God would give you as the head and Hannah as your helpmate) and you will also avail yourselves of your Christian parent's blessings (e.g., protection, encouragment, prayers, wise counsel, helping hands and listening ears and, should you encounter any difficulties in your marriage- not waiting until things get “serious” but well before that - seek help from us and a good pastor); h) you will pray for and with Hannah and the children the Lord will give you for the Lord's presence and many needed blessings and especially salvation throughout your generations,

then pursuant to the words we discussed when we shared with you the LORD's striking answers to both our prayers in this matter analogous to the story found in Genesis 24:50-51: “The thing comes from the LORD; we cannot speak to you either bad or good. Here is Rebekah before you; take her and go, and let her be your master's son's wife, as the LORD has spoken.” permission to ask my daughter Hannah Jane to marry you is granted. And may we worship and praise the LORD as Abraham's servant did, “For of Him and through Him and to Him are all things, to whom be glory forever. Amen.” (Romans 11:36). Hallelujah!

And then further, my prospective son-in-law, should God indeed bring you to be man and wife, then may He bless you with increase and multiplication of every blessing in Christ spiritual and physical, temporal and eternal, with the blessings and home of Psalms 127 and 128, and - pursuant to His answers to prayer for such a husband as you for Hannah - as well give you and her His abundant and efficacious blessings pursuant to Jeremiah 1

“Behold, I have put My words in your mouth. See, I have this day set you over the nations and over the kingdoms, to root out and to pull down, to detroy and to throw down, to buitl and to plant.”

and pursuant to Romans 13

“For rulers are not a terror to good works, but to evil. Do you want to be unafraid of the authority? Do what is good, and you will have praise from the same. For he is God's minister to you for good. But if you do evil, be afraid; for he does not bear the sword in vain; for he is God's minister, an avenger to execute wrath on him who practices evil.”

and so may God the LORD in His timing and providence show us His vengeance on His people's adversaries to tear them and the works of the devil down (I John 3:8), as well as show us His mighty Holy Spirit's power to build up again what was torn down - His people and much of our country – so that it might again be built up unto unassailable strength and pristine beauty through, with and by you and Hannah and your seed, and in a mighty way which only He could do, where the work is used to provide for, protect and bless you and your family (family first), the work of your hands is forever established, where you and yours are entirely unashamed and greatly honored, and where above all, our Triune God alone receives all the glory and praise!

As God gave Adam the gift of a wife (whom He literally named after the man/Adam “Mankind”/Adamkind -Gen. 5:2), so God gave us, James and Lori Graveling, a precious daughter He had us name Hannah Jane. Should she by God's providence agree to take on your surname “Callahan”, her mother and I trust that you will find her to be in your own experience what God caused us to say about her as His precious gift to us, and we trusted would be one day -in His wise, gracious time and providence- His gift through us to a fine Christian young man: “Hannah Jane, YHWH is gracious, YHWH is gracious.”

She - and we too as father and mother in law - will then be sincerely yours Mr. Callahan,

Mr. Graveling

Both Dylan and I had honestly expected a much more foreboding reply. This one was wordy, but seemed almost lighthearted, excited. The list of stipulations wasn’t something we’d foreseen, but everything felt generally doable—at least for now. For the first time in a while it felt like we were going to be able to make it out without some major issue occurring.